


what happens when we die? (the answer's in the sky)

by parxdoxical



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, and getting help from severide and casey, basically this is Joe trying to make sense of Otis' death, set in season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28262478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parxdoxical/pseuds/parxdoxical
Summary: Joe Cruz had always thought himself a religious man.He asked God to keep his brothers and sisters at 51 safe every single time the bells went off and he thanked him every day that his prayers were heard.Until one day they weren't.or: Joe keeps seeing Otis everywhere and nowhere at once.
Relationships: Joe Cruz & Brian "Otis" Zvonecek
Comments: 12
Kudos: 9





	what happens when we die? (the answer's in the sky)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> This is my first work in the Chicago Fire fandom and it's an idea that was running around my mind for weeks and months ever since I saw season 8. I just had this idea that Casey and Severide would probably try and help Cruz through it and this is what came of that idea.  
> This is un-beta'd and was written in the middle of the night, so any mistakes can be kept by y'all.  
> Title's from "The Starry Night" from the Musical "Starry", a show I can only recommend to everybody who loves good music and European art history.  
> Enjoy!

Joe Cruz had always thought himself a religious man. 

He'd grown up going to church every Sunday with his family, got used to sending off quick prayers before every big test or exam in his life whether it be a calculus exam or the firefighter test at the academy. He asked God to keep his brothers and sisters at 51 safe every single time the bells went off and he thanked him every day that his prayers were heard. 

Until one day they weren't. 

One day, when Joe called upon God to keep his brothers safe, that prayer was met with silence and indifference. And although Joe recalled his last words to Otis in that hospital room, how he had spoken of them together, in whatever afterlife there might be for them - because surely if there were such a thing as Heaven, Otis deserved a spot in it even if Joe didn't - Joe wasn't sure he could believe his own vision anymore. 

The God his mother had told him about didn't let people die for no reason. And yet, here they were. 

He sought out the answers at church at first. After the funeral, he returned to the church, kneeling with his hands folded and his head bowed, asking over and over and over again why it hadn't been him that day. He spoke with the chaplain, spoke with the priest, tried to let them help him make sense of what happened. 

He cried and looked at pictures of the two of them and cried even more. 

Among it all, Joe still counted himself lucky. He had his firehouse family, a group of people more than willing to catch him in his grief and hold him through it, although Sylvie's departure had left another gaping hole in the stability that the house provided. 

Being back to work let Joe focus on doing the one thing Otis had loved doing the most and it made him feel as close to his brother as he had ever felt. 

But it didn't feel like enough. 

Otis' last words had been "Brother, I will be with you always" but Joe had yet to find him. 

It was like Otis was everywhere and nowhere at once. 

He was in their apartment, in the horrible mugs he had gifted both Sylvie and Joe for their roommates-anniversary, in the chipped edge of the bathroom sink from one of their drunk adventures, in the overflowing collection of obscure fantasy film DVDs that was bursting out of the TV cabinet, in the silence that now seemed to echo through the halls with two thirds of the apartment's occupants gone. 

He was in the firehouse, in the briefing room he had used for his podcast, something that now seemed like ages ago, in the seat that was now occupied by bright-eyed yet heavy-shouldered Blake Gallo who seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his back, in the lack of idiotic ideas that now couldn't fail to brighten everyone's mood anymore, in the way there always seemed to be someone at Joe's shoulder, waiting for him to turn to laugh about a joke together. 

He was at Molly's, in the horrendous glasses he had picked out for the bar only months ago after he had broken half of the existing bunch, he was in the passenger seat of Joe's car he had occupied for most of their time carpooling to work. He was in everything Joe did, every single day, but every single time Joe looked over his shoulder, glanced at Otis' seat, at the driver side of Truck 81, there was only the shadow of a memory and nothing else. 

Otis had told him, he'd be with him always but while he was, he was also nowhere to be found. 

Joe didn't even realise he was looking for his friend until one day, when Ritter made a certain remark, Joe turned his head, a grin on his lips and Otis' name along with it, only to find Hermann next to him  
who looked at him as if he knew exactly what was on his mind. 

It was a day later that there was a knock at Joe's door and he opened it to find his Lieutenant standing outside. For a second, Joe only stared at him, at the sixpack in his hand, the questioning look on his face. 

"You gonna let me in?" Severide asked, an amused glint in his eyes and Joe stepped back to do just that albeit a little confused. 

"Sorry for the mess," he said and scratched his neck before he made a sweeping gesture with his arm to encompass the entirety of the living room, "I was going to clean up but-" 

Severide only waved his words away and set down the sixpack on the counter top, getting one for himself and passing Joe another. "My place was much worse after Shay died." 

It was said so bluntly that Joe almost flinched away from the emotions he knew were behind the statement. He sighed. 

"Lieutenant, you don't have to-" 

"No, you see, I do," Severide interrupted him, taking a big gulp from his bottle, "I remember what losing Shay felt like, even today. I remember how I kept looking over my shoulder and expected her to stand right next to me. I know that you're doing the same." 

Joe felt his cheeks burn a bright red and he ducked his head under Severide's gaze. They were silent for a few moments. 

"Look," Severide continued after a while, "I'm not here to tell you how to feel. I just wanted to tell you that there are people here who know your pain. There is no shame in reaching out and asking for help. This isn't something you can carry on your own." 

Joe nodded, although he knew that this wasn't quite the problem. He just didn't know how to put into words how he felt like he was missing Otis by a few seconds every time he turned his head, like if he had just been quicker, he might still be there. 

That if he had found him faster, he _might still be alive._

But instead he only nodded and Severide stayed until the sixpack was empty and then a bit longer. 

The next morning, after rolecall, Casey caught Joe in the bunkroom in front of his office. 

"Cruz! You got a minute?" 

Joe frowned for just a second before he nodded and followed the Captain into his quarters. 

"Take a seat, Cruz," Casey said, settling into his own chair again and Cruz did the same, although a bit a wary of what was to come. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright." 

Cruz looked up at Casey with wide eyes before he smiled, not quite sure what he was supposed to say. "Right as rain," he eventually got out, trying to sound reassuring. Casey's raised eyebrows were indication enough that he hadn't quite succeeded in that. 

When Casey didn't say anything but only continued to stare at him with the same expression, Joe squirmed in his seat. Casey sighed. 

"Listen, I know you were the one who found Otis. I know that that is a position that doesn't make the aftermath easier. There are a thousand things running through your head like whether you could have been quicker or smarter or better but the truth of all that is that you will never know. I know that after Hallie died, I kept replaying it in my head, over and over and over again and I always got to the same conclusion: it had to have been my fault." 

"But it wasn't, we all know that!" Cruz interrupted, remembering the broken, sobbing frame of his then-Lieutenant clinging to the doctor delivering the news. The smile he got in response was slight and sad. 

"I know that now. It takes time to accept what you believe to be your own mistake. But you need to give yourself that time. Just like I had to take the time after Hallie was gone." 

Joe sighed. "But that was different. Hallie was your fiancée." 

"And you think you loved Otis less than I loved her? Differently, sure, but less? Love isn't universal. There isn't one way to do it, it's not a case of one-size-fits-all. And neither is mourning. Nobody mourns the same and nobody should have to." 

Joe looked down at his hands at his Captain's words before he whispered: "I keep trying to find him in everything. I keep looking over my shoulder, expecting him to be there and he isn't. His last words were 'Brother, I will be with you always' but I can't find him." He couldn't even mind the tears that had sprung to his eyes. 

Casey leaned forward and reached out to rest a hand on Joe's shoulder. "I do. I keep seeing him in you, just as much as I keep seeing Shay in Severide and everybody else they left an impact on. People don't just die and leave forever. They live on in every memory of the people they leave behind, the people they loved the most." 

Joe looked up to meet Casey's eyes and the earnest sincerity in them made him swallow heavily. Casey smiled. 

"I know that Hallie is still here with me because I carry her in my heart. Maybe to find Otis you need to stop looking over your shoulder. 'Cause I know for sure he's with you in a different way that you simply haven't thought of yet." 

And Joe thought he finally understood. 

The next time Ritter made a witty remark and Joe was certain he heard Otis' laughter in his ear, instead of looking over his shoulder, searching for something that wasn't there anymore, he closed his eyes with a smile. 

The next morning, when he left the station, he stopped at the memorial site for a short moment, resting his hand on the helmet on top of it. 

With a smile and tears in his eyes, he whispered: "You are with me always, brother." 

He knew now. 

He could find Otis in the place that he would never leave until the day they would be together again.


End file.
